By Emily Schwarz

Mattel just announced a new career for Barbie: Computer Engineer. They’ve held an online vote for a couple of months and it is no surprise that the support for Computer Engineer Barbie was overwhelming. I myself voted five times in a row, and some real CEs out there most likely set up scripts to vote. Isn’t that just amazingly geeky?

I was stoked when I read this news from their website (actually I was just heading there to vote a couple more times). So stoked, in fact, that I browsed various news articles on the subject. I was surprised and dismayed by the overwhelming negativity on the subject. I know I shouldn’t be surprised by the amount of the hate on the internet, but this struck home. I’m posting this article to address some of the nasty concerns made by mean spirited cynics who can’t seem to let us have any fun.

“I’m a [insert tech job title here] and I’ve never seen a woman engineer that looks anything like Barbie. They are all [insert insult about women who don’t look like Barbie here].”

This is by far the most common comment. While the last part of the statement is optional, it is often very rude. No wonder women feel intimidated entering male dominated careers.  Way to show your true colors guys. Maybe there would be more women of all looks coming in if you guys weren’t such pigs. The first part is, well, true. Most women period don’t look like Barbie. Most women News Anchors don’t look like News Anchor Barbie either. That’s not the point. This is Barbie being a Computer Engineer, not some sort of realistic representation of what CEs are or should be.

“This is insulting.”

“Barbie already creates unrealistic expectations of what a girl should be.”

“I thought geek girls didn’t care about the superficiality of Barbie.”

Way to be a feminist killjoy. Do you not let your daughters play with dolls? At least this lets young girls know that it’s okay to be a scientist/engineer/geek. It’s a step in the right direction. Sure this Barbie will undoubtedly spend more time with Ken than writing software but that’s okay. Taking the “high road” and opting out of anything pop culture because its “superficial” just means that less women will grow up thinking its okay to be a geek.

“I would never wear that.”

“That’s unprofessional.”

Umm . . . . her outfit is actually really cute. Not realistic, but cute. I don’t know about Computer Engineers, but a lot of software jobs tend to have casual dress most of the time unless it’s time to meet a client. News anchor Barbie’s outfit isn’t exactly what a news anchor would wear either. I could see a less Barbie-tastic version of that outfit being worn by someone. Welcome to the 21ist century. Also, why does it need to be spot on?It is called “make believe” and that is something you do with dolls. The people in The Sims don’t exactly dress like normal people but no one would spend the breath to say “that’s unrealistic.”

No little girl actually believes Barbie is a pure expression of reality.  She’s just a doll you can dress up and make believe things with. And if by some miracle some little girl wants CE Barbie because they like her outfit or that she comes with a labtop well then . . . . that sounds like a good thing to me. Good for geeks, good for those of us who find the gender gap in the computing sciences disturbing, and good for girls who get to grow up and be as smart as and make as much money as the boys.

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Yeah, I know. The ipad is old news at this point, but there’s been something that I’ve been thinking about since the gigantic version of the iphone was announced a few weeks back that I can’t seem to get out of my head.  When I first saw a rather pale and sickly looking Steve Jobs holding one up for the whole world to see, only one thing was running through my mind.  No, it wasn’t the fact that this thing would make for a great portable device for watching porn, although that did cross my mind later.  What I kept thinking about as I saw the original announcement presentation, and then proceeded to check out the shiny new toy’s specs at a number of tech blogs, is the fact that this thing would be amazing to read comic books on.

Yes, I know I am speaking sacrilege to those comic book purists out there that believe comics should only be read in a paper based format.  These are the same people who decry the existence of the Kindle and the concept of e-books. To those people I say hear me out.  Also, You’re all a bunch of lying bastards because I bet each and every one of you purists also regularly read at least a few web comics.

To be honest, it’s not just the ipad that I’m looking at here.  It’s more of what the ipad represents to me.  It’s the next step in the evolution of the e-reader.  I’ve been saying to friends for a while now that while I like the Kindle and all of the other e-readers out there, the reason I have never bought one is because I am waiting for the glorious day when a full color e-reader comes out that is large enough to read standard sized comic book pages on.  The ipad is the first step in this direction, and now that it’s out there you just know we’re bound to see a ton of other tech companies step up with their own version of a full sized color tablet device.  With any luck, a full color e-reader can’t be far behind.

In this soon-to-be new tech market, the big two comics companies (Marvel and DC) would be completely stupid not to try to cash in and try to expand their readership through these devices.  In today’s economy, there are a lot of comic book fans out there that just can’t afford to keep up with all of their favorite titles.  It’s just too expensive.  The average comic book can run between $2.99 and $3.99 nowadays.  Even if you’re only reading a few titles regularly, you can easily find yourself spending more on comics per month than you do on your electricity or cable bills.  I’m not blaming Marvel or DC for high prices here.  I understand that they haves costs and overheads that they have to pay for.  They’re paying for the writers, the artists, the paper, the ink, the shipping costs, etc.  A lot of stuff goes into that $3 to $4 comic price.  I get that.  But what if we took those costs away? 

Imagine if Marvel and DC were to open up their own version of the iTunes store in which they sold digital copies of all of their comics.  Let’s call it the iHeroes store.  By selling digital copies, a lot of those production and shipping costs disappear.  This would enable the e-comics to be sold for a bargain price of 99 cents per issue (I’m coining the term e-comics right now, so when you hear it in the future remember where you heard it first).  Imagine that.  99 cent comics.  Who would have ever thought we’d ever see the day when comics could be affordable again.  Such a low price per issue would enable even the cheapest of comics fans (such as myself) to start reading books again on a regular basis, but let’s not stop there.

If we’re charging 99 cents for individual issues, why not charge $9.99 for graphic novels?  Imagine downloading and reading things like The Watchmen or Marvel’s Civil War series for half the price it would cost you to buy the books on paper.  The costs to Marvel and DC would be negligible to run this sort of thing too.  You know they already have digital copies of probably every comic ever made somewhere on their company’s hard drives.  All they’d have to do is load them up and sell them.  That’s easy money for them, and it expands readership at the same time, earning the comic companies even more loyal fans who will continue to buy new issues as they come out.

What about this?  Instead of signing up for boxes at a comic store or getting a subscription through the mail, what if you could sign up for e-subscriptions to your favorite comics and they were instantly downloaded to your color e-reader the day they came out?  No more having to drive to the store.  No more having to check your mailbox.  Instant reading enjoyment, with no hassle.  Even independent comic companies should step in on this action.  Why should the big two have all the fun?

I’m sure some of you have already started forming your arguments against this idea, and I do admit there could be some downsides to this new technology.  The biggest one I can think of is that a lot of comic book stores will start to lose customers.  Foot traffic and sales in stores could conceivably go down and stores could go out of business as a result of everyone getting their books online.  Yes, this can happen, but I doubt that every comic book store in the world will die because of this change.  I’m not calling for an end to paper based comics here.  I know that there will always be a place for collectors who wish to have an actual paper copy of a comic over a digital one.  There will always be a market for paper comics, and thus there will always be a need for comic book stores.  They may become fewer, but let’s be honest here, every form of print media is facing a decline in sales as the world becomes more and more digitally based.  If comic books wish to survive in the 21st century, they’re going to have to adopt new technology instead of avoiding it.

I mentioned web comics earlier, let’s use that as an example.  Does anyone you know still read the comics section of the newspaper anymore?  Hell, does anyone you know even read a newspaper at all?  As newspaper readership continues to decline all over the world, and the comics page has become more painful to read than having to sit through Michael Bay’s director commentary of Transformers 2, the internet has exploded with an amazing number of successful and hilarious web comics.  Penny Arade, XKCD, Girl Genius, Real Life Comics, oh my god I could go on for hours.  The point is that digital distribution and immediate access to a massive audience has helped to create witty and well loved comics that are read by millions of people daily.  Even former syndicated print comics have decided to make the jump to a digital format.  If you’ve never read Dork Tower before, I highly suggest you check it out.  Dork Tower’s writer John Kovalic decided to get out of print comics and become a digital only comic a while back, and he’s only increased his fanbase and readership since doing so.

What about all of those aspiring amateurs out there who haven’t gotten hired on at one of the big comic companies yet?  What about those gifted writers and artists out there who already have a great comic book made, but who can’t find the funding to get it printed independently?  Digital distribution of comics would enable these people to find their audiences.  If they’re good enough, they could even make a living off of doing what they love.  I guarantee you that Marvel or DC would sit up and take notice if some independent digital comic was outselling one of their establised titles.  Those creators would be pretty much guaranteed employment at either company if they wanted it. And the best part? We as the fans would have access to more comics from more companies than ever before, and they’d even be more afforadable. 

It’s a win/win situation as far as I can see.  The comic companies make more money, sell more comics and get new readers.  The fans get cheaper books and a ton of potential new titles to read.  I can understand the views and the worries of the naysayers out there who will resist the push for digital comics, but I really do think they’re being short sighted.  In the long run, an iHeroes store would be a boon for the comics industry, not a hindrance.  While such a reality may still be a few years off, I really do think it’s an inevitable change.  If Marvel and DC try to resist, then we’ll be flodded with pirated copies of the same books anyways in PDF formats.  While I am all for a bit of piracy every now and then, I would personally much rather pay the creators of the comics as a way of thanking them for the great work they’re doing.  I’m sure I’m not alone in this.

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This is what Spider-man would look like if he had been created by Rob Liefeld in the early 1990’s.

Let us all thank our lucky stars that he didn’t.

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The first official Geek-tastic podcast of the year 2010 has been recorded, edited and is now online for you to download and enjoy.

You can download an MP3 copy of the podcast by clicking HERE..

OR

You can stream the the podcast by clicking HERE.

In this episode of the podcast, we discuss the interesting choices for the 2010 Oscar nominations for Best Picture. We also talk about the movie Avatar and discuss the massive amount of success the film has experienced. Finally, we take a detailed look at how Comic Books have managed to conquer Hollywood over the last decade.

SHOW NOTES:

You can find a full list of the 2010 Oscar Nominations here.

In case you never read it, here is my review of Avatar.

Be sure to check out our totally awesome web comic about the cuisine on Endor.

And finally, here’s a link to the chart we keep talking about during the movie discussion. To see it in it’s full size, just click on the image below.

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There is a new Geek-tastic web comic up for your viewing pleasure.  This wonderful image comes to us from the very talented artist Candice Shaw-Landsberg, who has ever so kindly offered to do some art for us.  We here at Geek-tastic are incredibly happy to welcome her to our family of contributors and are looking forward to seeing what else she has in store for us in the future.

If you’d like to see more of Candice’s art (including a totally badass female version of Ash from Evil Dead) be sure to check out her Deviant Art page.

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This past weekend I had the luck and the joy of getting to see Paul Reubens perform the Pee Wee Herman Show on Stage at the Club Nokia Theater in Los Angeles.  Well, I should say I had the joy of getting to see him, there really wasn’t a lot of luck involved.  In fact, it was a bit of a pain in the ass to make sure I had tickets to see this show.  You see, originally the show was set to take place back in November at a smaller theater, but due to the overwhelming demand for tickets to see Pee Wee, as well as the need for a bigger stage that could do more complicated things, the show was moved to a bigger venue.  Those of us who had already purchased tickets had to call in and try to get tickets again to one of the shows at the new venue.  I’ll be honest, that whole experience pretty much sucked, but I was willing to go through it because I wanted to see this show so badly.

I’ve been a big Pee Wee Herman fan since I was a little kid.  While I can’t exactly recall my first introduction to the character of Pee Wee, I vividly remember watching new episodes of “The Playhouse” (as I called it back in the day) every saturday morning as I ate at least three or four bowls of Crunch Berries or Lucky Charms and began what was sure to be a day long sugar rush.  Yeah, I also watched a good couple of hours of cartoons too, but more often than not those were half ignored as I played with my toys.  Pee Wee’s Playhouse, on the other hand, was something that I gave my full attention to.  While it was on, I didn’t give anything else my time.  There was just something so hypnotic about it.  I don’t know if it was the wild colors and amazing art design of the set, the crazy puppets and talking furniture, or the ball of pure (almost psycho) energy that was Pee Wee Herman himself, but something about that show hooked me as a kid.  I had almost all of the toys.  I had as many as I could get my dirty little hands on at least.  I had The Playhouse playset, I had the talking pull-string Pee Wee doll, and I was even getting good at working on my impressions of him.

Just don’t ask me about the Conkey The Robot toy.  That was the one toy I wanted the most, but never had.  Some wounds run too deep to talk about.

As I got older, I’ll admit my interest in Pee Wee wained a little.  It’s not entirely my fault.  After his show got taken off the air in 1990, it was hard to stay a Pee Wee fan when his beloved image had been pulled from every possible outlet available to a young kid.  His toys disappeared, his show disappeared, it was like he never existed at all.  I was forced to move on to other things, but that’s not to say that Pee Wee was ever forgotten.  Far from it in fact.  As I got older, I was able to appreciate some of the earlier gems of Pee Wee’s History even more.  When I learned in High School that Pee Wee’s Big Adventure marked the directorial debut of Tim Burton and was the first film ever scored by Danny Elfman, my mind was officially blown.  In college I got to see the HBO special of the original Pee Wee Herman Show stage performance for the first time, and I was finally mature enough to start realizing just how brilliant the character of Pee Wee really is.  Somehow, Paul Reubens had created this amazing adult themed parody of a children’s show, took it to the stage, became incredibly popular, and then managed to make an actual kids show out of what was originally a very dirty adult show.  The only other comparison I can think of that is similar would be when Johnen Vasquez (the guy who created Johnny The Homicidal Maniac) was asked by Nickelodeon to create a children’s animated show, and in return we were given Invader Zim.

As an adult, it’s been the subversive nature of Pee Wee and his Playhouse that I have really loved.  Yes, The Playhouse was very much a kid’s show and wasn’t really all that dirty, but it was created in such an intelligent way and was written so well that it became one of those rare shows that both kids and adults can love.  Those shows are just as relevant and entertaining today as they were then, and even after 20 years with no new Material, I’ve maintained my steadfast loyalty to Pee Wee and his Playhouse.


You can imagine my shock and delighted suprise then when I first read that Pee Wee was coming back, he was going to be performing a new version of his original stage play, and it was happening within driving distance of my house.  I’ll be honest here, I may have let slip a shout of joy that my coworkers probably mistook for the sounds of an overexcited six year old girl.  I couldn’t contain myself.  I was determined to see this show, come hell or high water.  Yes, the tickets were a pain to get, but it all became worth it last Saturday as I say down in my seat in front of this.

What wonders waited for me behind that curtain?  Was it the playhouse that I knew and loved so well?  Was it an all new playhouse?  Was it more akin to the original stage show’s set?  I had no idea, but the anticipation was killing me.  Luckily, I didn’t have to wait too long.  The lights dimmed, the filler music that had been playing an excellent mix of 80’s new wave faded out to nothingness, and the audience got quiet as we all waited for the show to begin.

Almost demurely, Pee Wee Herman walks onto the stage from the right hand side, the curtains are still down on the stage.  It’s just him and a spotlight.  The audience goes wild, Pee Wee looks immensely excited.  Once the crowd dies down, he very politely asks us to join him in reciting the pledge of allegiance.  Suddenly, as if I was suddenly back in grade school, I’m on my feet, my right hand is over my heart, I’m looking at an American flag which has been wheeled on stage, and I’m saying the pledge of allegiance for the first time in at least 20 years.  I’m actually suprised that I remembered it.  I’m also suprised that the rest of the audience rememberd it too.  It was a very surreal way to start the show, but it was a brilliant move.  Even before the show officially begins, I’m already feeling like a little kid again.  After the Pledge, Pee Wee thanks us, tells us he hopes we enjoy the show, and then runs back stage.  A few seconds later, the curtains come up up and the stage’s lights turn on.

My jaw dropped and I felt myself take in a deep breath of shock as the lights came on.  There, not 30 feet away from me, glowing brightly and sparkling in multi-colored radiance is Pee Wee’s Playhouse.  It’s almost a perfect replica of the TV show’s set, only it’s better because it’s real and if I wanted to I could reach out and touch it.  Everything is there.  The funky shaped red door, Chairy, Clockey, Mr. Window, the flowers, the fish, the tin can telephones, Conky sitting deactivated in the corner, magic screen, Globey, Jombi’s box.  It’s almost too much to take in at once.  I’m suddenly flooded with childhood memories.  It’s so beautiful it almost makes me cry.  I’m eight years old again, and I’m watching my favorite show, and it hasn’t changed a bit.

Then Pee Wee comes in through the door and he sings the opening song from the original stage show.  We’re not even five seconds into the show, and I’ve already gotten my money’s worth for the $80 I spent on my ticket.  From there the show goes very much as if it was just an episode of The Playhouse from back in the day.  Pee Wee starts off by showing us some cool stuff, and then people start showing up to say hi.  Mailman Mike stops by, so does Miss Yvonne, The King of Cartoons and my personal favorite . . . Cowboy Curtis.  Sadly, Laurence Fishburne didn’t reprise his role as Cowboy Curtis, but the amazingly talented Phil LaMarr did an incredible job playing the character.  All of the other characters were played by the original actors though, even Jombi.  There were also two new characters added to the show.  Sergio the handyman, a half naked Fireman and a giant mute Bear who spent most of the show annoying Pee Wee to no end.

A word of note, Bear is awesome.

I know it’s a stage play, and chances are there won’t be a release of the show on DVD or anything, but I still don’t want to ruin the story or the jokes for you, even though the odds are that you won’t ever see it.  It was just too magical, too amazing and too funny to allow me to ruin it for you even though it’s almost impossible that I will.  I’m sorry, but I will not speak of the story.  Suffice it to say though that Pee Wee hasn’t lost a single bit of what made him great back in the day.  His humor, style and delivery are still dead on.  Paul Reubens may look a little older in the Pee Wee outfit (only very slightly), but he’s still Pee Wee through and through.  Overall, the show is much more of The Playhouse than it was the original stage show.  There were some really good adult jokes here and there, but for the most part the show was very kid friendly.  This Pee Wee Herman Show wasn’t anywhere near as racy as the original stage play.  While I would have liked to have seen a bit more adult humor thrown in, I can’t really fault Reubens for not having written more in.  Pee Wee has changed a lot since his beginnings on the Groundlings improv Stage back in 1981.  To go fully back to his original ways would be to do a disservice to his Playhouse days, which really is the reason all of us are there anyways, right?

After the show was over though, as amazing as it was, something even more amazing happened.  Since myself and many other people had to deal with the hassle of getting tickets a second time, and since a lot of out of state people had to reschedule hotels and plane flights, there had been a lot of negative fan reaction to the shows being moved at all.  In one of the classiest moves I have ever seen, Paul Reubens announced that he wished to apologize to his fans in person after every performance.  Those of us who had gone through the process of getting tickets to both shows were invited to stay in the theater after the performance for a meet and greet with Mr. Reubens so he could apologize to us for what had happened.  As far as I can recall, no other actor or performer has ever done such a thing on such a large scale before.  He could have simply said, “tough luck, deal with it” and we wouldn’t have had much choice, but to make sure his fans had no hard feelings he wanted to give them something extra for having gone through so much to see him.

 
After a short wait during which most of the audience left the theater, we found ourselves down to about maybe a hundred or so people left in the building.  Soon enough, Pee Wee once again takes to the stage with a microphone in hand and says hello.  Only it’s not Pee Wee, it’s Paul Reubens the actor.  He’s still in his Pee Wee Costume, but this is the man himself coming out to connect one on one with his audience.  The very first thing he does is say he’s sorry, but before he talks to us adults he wants to meet all of the kids in the audience.  He then takes his time, finds each and every kid in the audience and takes a couple of minutes to speak to them.  He asks them their names, where they live, what parts of the show they loved the most and generally spends a minute or two getting to know them.  Seriously, he did this for every single child in the audience.  It was amazing to see someone showing that much dedication to their work and to making kids happy.

Once he had met all of the kids, he then started taking questions from the audience.  During all of this he switched back and forth between Pee Wee and Paul Reubens.  He would tell a story from his days as a struggling actor and then immediately follow it up with a Pee Wee joke or comment.  He talked about his hopes for making another Pee Wee movie, he told us where the original bike from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure is, he even told us of his love for all of the cartoons on Adult Swim.  It was a rare glimpse into the man who makes Pee Wee who he is, and it really was something special.  He didn’t need to do this, but he wanted to.  That difference is what made this matter.  This was easily the single most sincere bit of fan service I have ever seen a performer give.

Paul Reubens is 100% pure class all the way.  Let no one ever tell you different.

At the very end of the meet and greet, right as he was about to say his goodbyes so he could get ready for his second show of the night (we were there for the matinee), I finally worked up the courage to take a little bit of video with my phone to document this great occasion.  Unfortunately, the quality of the video isn’t all that great, but the audio is clear enough.  This was Pee Wee’s goodbye and thank you to us.  A more heartfelt goodbye I have never heard.

Thank you Mr. Reubens for an amazing show.  You gave me an evening with amazing memories that I will always treasure.

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That’s right, a sequel is coming our way, announced by the same team that made the first one. And it only makes me ask, WHO!? As in “who’s going to be in this one?” Obviously Joker and Batman, but are they going to play with our hearts with Two-Face?  That’s always a possibility.  I hope not.

And if you finished the first one, you would know there are 3 possible baddies showing back up; Scarecrow, Killer Croc or Bane. (If you didn’t know this already, the game came out last August. Play it already).

I’m stoked! Words can’t really describe what I think about this, other than: Happy.

More information will be provided on http://www.arkhamhasmoved.com

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Yeah, I’d still watch it.

The Jersey pictured above is from the 3rd annual “Star Wars” night of the IHL Port Huron Ice Hawks. What makes me even more jealous than the fact that the fans of that great stadium get to buy these jerseys? The part that says this is an ANNUAL event.

Yes, January 26th, 2010  is the 3rd time around they have had a Star Wars night. Honestly, who wouldn’t wear a Boba Fett jersey? Last year’s jersey featured Darth Maul and their Ice Hawk mascot had a lightsaber in its talon’s instead of a hockey stick.

And what is a Star Wars night without the men and women of the 501st? Not a Star Wars night, that’s what! Yes, it is presided over by the 501’s very own Jon Leopold.  I’ve gone to hockey games where the kids areas have  games like hardest slap shot competitions, street hockey rinks and etc. taking place, but how about rolling to a hockey game that has competitions like a Blaster Range and, get this, a Wookiee roar competition!?!

Yeah Im jealous, here’s a link to last year’s Star War’s night.

“A tremor in the Force. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old pants.” – Darth Vader

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There is a new Geek-tastic web comic online and ready to make you laugh.  To check it out in all of its nerdy glory, just click on the image above.

Today’s comic comes from something I’ve been trying to tell everyone for years, but no one seems to listen to me.  Ewoks eat people.  It’s true.  Just think back to Return of the Jedi and what those little furry bastards were planning on doing to Han and Luke.  That’s all the evidence you’ll ever need.  This comic just follows that logical line to where it must inevitably go once one stops for a second and thinks about what was really going on at that big party at the end of the movie.

Enjoy!

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Okay, here we go, last book in the series.

Breaking Dawn picks up just a few short days away from Bella’s wedding to Edward. This is a fairly uneventful part of the book designed no doubt to drag out every smooshy feeling that can be contrived from a female heart. Jacob, who has been missing since the end of the last book, even comes back to town to see Bella on her wedding day. The only thing of note that occurs is that Jacob finds out that Bella and Edward plan on attempting to have sex before she is changed into a vampire. Convinced Bella will die in the process Jacob attempts to start a fight with Edward at his wedding, but is soon stopped by the rest of his pack of wolves. Immediately after the wedding Bella is swept off by Edward to an island owned by the Cullens off the coast of Brazil.

Isle Esme (a gift from Carlisle to his wife) is where the first attempt at coitus takes place. Bella wakes up the next morning feeling better than she ever had in her life, on the other hand, Edward is ashamed of the bruises he seemed to have left all over Bella’s body. Edward refuses to try again, in spite of Bella’s many attempts after that. One night Bella wakes up from a nightmare crying and attacks Edward (sexually) unaware, and makes it through the event without any bruises. From there on out it’s a complete fuck fest. Prompting Bella to reconsider being changed into a vampire. If Bella were to be changed, then all she would care for is blood, the lust for it overtaking her every thought, and she couldn’t get her sex on like she was currently. Once again I ask; are you sure you want to be a vampire you crazy fucking dame? First it’s “oh I love Jacob AND Edward”, now it’s “I don’t want to be a vampire just yet, I’m really enjoying the cock”. Edward should punt this bitch into the ocean and fuck the vampires from Alaska post haste. Also once you get passed the wedding and the honeymoon, you realize that you now know how Meyer wants (wanted? is this bitch married?) her wedding and honeymoon to go down.

Quickly something becomes amiss as Bella has the early onset of morning sickness and a visible preggo belly. Edward calls Carlisle, who confirms that he thinks that Bella could possibly be with child. Edward and Bella flee back to Forks while Bella seems to grow ever larger by the minute. Edward, Carlisle, and anyone else with common sense, want to get the beast out of her before it can kill her, so Bella calls Rosalie looking for a bodyguard for when she gets back to Forks to protect her and the baby.

Then for some unknown reason Meyer decides to mix it up with the formatting of her narrative and switches to telling the story from the point of view of Jacob. Okay, vampire baby I’ll give you. It happened in Angel, and it led to the shittiest story lines in the show based on Conner, the worst character to grace a television show since Dawn. I’ll let it fucking slide. Switching narrative points is a lousy trick, and you’re a hack writer Meyer.

There’s some inconsequential attempt at getting Bella to have an abortion and then attempt to have a child that won’t be born by eating it’s way out her stomach like the babies in Alien by Jacob, Bella doesn’t go for it.  Bella is determined to have THIS baby, though it’s easy to see that it’s killing her.

So Jacob’s pack find out about Bella’s pregnancy, and though they’re completely cool with Bella becoming a vampire, her having a vampire child is completely beyond them and they decide they have to go kill Bella. Jacob, who wanted to kill everything in sight when he found out that Bella was going to be changed into a vampire refuses to kill Bella to rid them of the baby. Jacob uses his heritage as the official and actual alpha of the pack to leave the group and set off on his own to basically become the Cullen’s lapdog.  One of the wolves Seth, goes with him, followed eventually by Seth’s sister and scorned woman from earlier in the series, Leah. With Seth Leah, and Jacob protecting the Cullens, the pack doesn’t have the nerve to go kill Bella.

Eventually the realization occurs that it isn’t that the baby is killing Bella, just that it needs blood, and is draining Bella slowly. so starts Bella on her first vampiric act, a steady diet of human blood, as bought with enormous fortune of the Cullens and Carlisle’s medical connections. Once again prompting the question, why not just live on donated blood? Isn’t that MORE humane that running into the woods every so often to slaughter some innocent animals with your teeth? Maybe I just know too many vegans.

Now that Bella was in perfect health again, and so was her unborn infant, the infant uses it’s new strength to start breaking her ribs from the inside. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t I guess.

Slowly but surely the Cullens and Jacob become a tight knit little group of oddities. Even the spats between Rosalie and Jacob, who dislike each other vehemently, seem more sibling like. Even though all of this requires Jacob to be around Bella nearly twenty four hours a day, and takes it’s obvious emotional toll on him. At this point you’re just kind of waiting for Jacob to imprint on something and get it over with, and actually it seems, Jacob is also. Just when Jacob seems to get most fed with the entire situation Bella vomits a geyser of blood, which I assume is supposed to be the half vampire baby being born to a human version of the water breaking.

What follows is the most violently and gory scene in the entire series. Bella’s stomach is torn apart leaving only a gaping hole where the lower part of her torso used to be and her back is broken by the infant in the process. Awesome. Bella’s heart stops in the process and Edward injects a syringe filled with his own vampire venom directly into her heart, then proceeds to give her CPR to push the venom through her system. Jacob is convinced that Bella is dead but feels strangely compelled to stay near the infant in spite of his gut instinct to run far away. Jacob is pissed at this baby girl, and just when he’s about to tear the baby apart, his last act as a living person as he would almost instantly be murdered by the Cullens, Stephanie Meyer pisses right into my fucking eyeballs while laughing what I can only assume is a witches cackle. Jacob imprints on the fucking baby. Fuck this book, seriously.

By the way, the babies name is Renesmee, a mix between Renee (her mother’s name, and Esme (Edwards “mother’s” name). I’ll be calling her by the nickname Jacob gives her in the book though, Nessie, as it conjurs images of the Loch Ness Monster and not terrible made up names that idiots are probably going to start using on actual children in real life soon.

Hey back to Bella’s point of view. Awesome.

Bella lays on the bed completely motionless for three days as she burns in agony from the vampire venom in her system changing her. Bella eventually wakes up a vampire (finally) and takes to it like a fish to water. She feels the thirst, but can seem to control her emotions much better than anyone has ever planned. Out hunting with Edward, Bella smells some hikers and takes off after them on pure instinct. While being chased by Edward, Bella turns to fight him off so she can go drink the hikers, but regains her composure and then flees in the opposite direction of the hikers. Something completely unheard of for a newborn vampire. Of course this bitch wouldn’t kill anyone, god for-fucking-bid anything cool happen. We get details as told from Bella’s point of view of course about the heightened senses. Smell, sight, and hearing all honed to Wolverine like abilities, and Superman style strength and invulnerability. All of the awesome for Bella and none of the entertaining drawbacks. Bella has enough control to even hold her own daughter without feeling the thirst.

We find out that Nessie has her own ability, to touch anyone and convey her thoughts to them, which is sort of the opposite of what Bella can do by blocking all other abilities out her head. Nessie, I forgot to mention grows at an accelerated rate. even the pregnancy lasted only a few weeks, maybe a month, I don’t really recall any actual numbers being thrown around, just that it was FAST. Bella is scared Nessie will grow old and die quickly because of this, but I’m sure you’re not worried as I wasn’t either because it seems nothing ever terrible and permanent ever seems to happen to Bella ever.

Jacob overhears that the Cullens might move across the country and decides to out himself as a wolf to Charlie. This is so that Charlie would know that the world he lived in was filled with magic, and anomalies and the sort and would be prepared to come see Bella, who he has been told is sick in bed at the CDC in Atlanta. Charlie takes the whole event with the attitude that he doesn’t REALLY want to know more than he absolutely has to and that as long as Bella is happy, he is okay. Bella doesn’t even have to out herself as a vampire to Charlie in the end, even if being near him was probably supposed to be incredibly dangerous as he was the first human Bella had seen in person since becoming a vampire.One of Bella’s super vampire traits, evidently super self control.

So Jacob, Bella, and Nessie went out hunting one afternoon, and get spotted by Irina, a vampire who had come to apologize to the Cullens about something that escapes my memory, and honestly isn’t important at this juncture. Irina sees Nessie, and is off like shot to tell the Volturi on Bella. I guess another thing the Volturi are strictly against is infant and child vampires. This shit finally has some hope of getting really interesting. The Cullens know what all this means instantly and they begin whipping an army of vampires together hopefully big enough, not to stop the volturi, but to at least get them to hesitate long enough to hear that Nessie isn’t a turned vampire, but a freak of nature, and not as dangerous as the children vampires of before who wreaked enough havoc to be outlawed. Alice grabs Jasper and hightails it out of there, leaving the Cullens convinced they had been abandoned by them.

So the Cullens get their friends together from every corner of the earth. A lot of whom have their own special vampire abilities. The Vampires who come are mostly won over by the idea that Carlisle isn’t actually looking to pick a fight with the volturi, just attempt to get them to listen, and by Nessie using her ability to show them her thoughts and prove that she is of no harm, isn’t a full vampire, and thus isn’t the product of any broken volturi laws. The Cullens are sure that it isn’t really what the volturi are out for anyways, but that the mental abilities of Edward, Alice, and even Bella now are more what they’re looking to gain by killing the rest of the Cullen family.

Bella learns that as a vampire her ability to block out others mental attacks can be projected onto others to protect them now that she has heightened vampire abilities, this comes in handy later.

So the fateful day that Alice had foreseen arrived and the Cullens and their army of witnesses met with the volturi and their own collection of vampire witnesses from all over in a field. If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, then we both thought wrong, because these motherfuckers don’t even so much as get into a sissy slap fight. God fucking damnit. What happens is Bella learns that not only can she project to proect against others mental attacks, but that she can do so over a very large range over very specific targets. It works out later when the volturis strong mentalist assault from Jane (makes you feel pain) and another who’s name escapes me  that can make your senses  fail you, including sight.

There’s several exchanges between Aro and Edward, Carlisle, and a few vampires who came to bare witness (but secretly agreed to fight alongside Carlisle if that’s what it came down to). The volturi discover the truth of situation, and in spite of that want to destroy the Cullen coven anyways to take Edward and Bella as their prizes. there’s a great little speech at one point where an Egyptian vampire by the name on Benjamin points out that even though the volturi have seen that the child is no harm to their way of life the volturi press the issue and that it will lead to them all be subjugated by the Italian coven. A very serious accusation to make amongst vampire who all consider themselves above any sort of ruling laws that aren’t specifically designed to hide them and their way of life.
Just in the nick of time,  Alice arrives back with Nahuel, another half-breed vampire human! Seeing that a half breed vampire human could grow to maturity (which takes about seven years at the accelerated rate pf halfbreed growth Jacob will be glad to know, but my lunch that I vomited up when I thought about Jacob being in love with a baby wasn’t) without ever exposing the vampires or their way of life pretty much clenches the vote up .

Pressed into such a hard corner, having to fight what is essentially a fair fight after ages of slaughtering all they came across, the volturi take their votes on how to deal with the situation and decide that they are going to leave the Cullen clan alone. That’s it, they just leave. Hundreds of vampires and wolves all just standing around in a field waiting for one cool ass epic battle to break out and they all just walk away. The volturi go down to South America where Nahuel is from to find his creator and deal with him for having purposefully created half-breeds, but we don’t even get see them murder him. I mean Irina gets it at one point for bearing false witness against the Cullens, but with armies ready to go, this was a painfully disappointing ending. This was like Battlestar Galactica bad as far as endings go. Everyone lives happily ever after? No one gets killed? What the FUCK. When I read the volturi were just leaving you’ll have to imagine me yelling “MEYER!” like I was in Wrath of Kahn.

Want to know what I think?

Not that you couldn’t already tell but I’m pissed. I defended you and your books Meyer. Yes, I hate them, but I hate them for very much more validated reasons than the “vampires don’t sparkle” army. I gave them a chance, and I can say time and time again Meyer chose the easiest possible path through her stories. A lot of what was going to happen was painfully obvious long before it ever actually occurred (see; Jacob imprinting on a goddamn newborn). Long before it ever happened my little sister received a text saying “if Jacob imprints on that baby I’m going to shove this book down my own throat and choke myself to death”.

Not killing any of the central characters? Really? Even Rowling had the cajones to off some of the most beloved characters in her Harry Potter series. Because Rowling knew, like all good writers, if you want to take your story from good to legendary, you gotta kill some people the fans love. Don’t believe me? Ask any Joss Whedon fan. End of fucking story. Anya was the best character in Buffy and she got the axe. Wash, log in the chest. Penny, piece of death ray to the torso. It’s just how good storytelling works. I went into this book expecting someone to go down. Maybe Bella would eat her own father, thus making the book an instant classic in my heart. Maybe Rosalie would die protecting Bella’s child and the two would part being closer than Bella ever thought was possible. Jasper dies protecting Alice. Edward Cullen bites it protecting the child and Jacob marries vampire Bella and they live with the Cullens forever. ALL of these possible plot lines are a million times cooler than anything that actually happened in this fucking book. Why? I have no idea, maybe Meyer is more scared of someone dieing than Bella was before she was changed into a vampire. For whatever reason, fuck you Meyer.

I thought I was grossed out when the wolf imprinted on the two year old, but you proved me dead wrong, it could evidently get much worse. So thank you again from the bottom of my colon for making Jacob imprint on Nessie, it was not only painfully predictable storytelling on your part, but deeply disturbing. Even more so when you take into account that Meyer is Mormon and their history of marrying 13 year old girls to 35 year old men. Maybe you can make polygamy a central point in the next book you write.

Did I mention I was angry about the ending. No battle? None? Is there like an alternate ending version of this book I can buy where instead of drinking too much potion and sleeping too long, Ash kills a deadite in the middle of a crowded S-mart? I’ll be glad to rewrite this review if you rewrite the last four chapters of that hellish book Meyer.

Also, lastly, STOP STARTING EVERY FUCKING SENTENCE WITH A CONJUNCTION!!! IT’S JUST BAD GRAMMAR!!! It was REALLY starting to grate on my nerves. That means sentences don’t start with the following words; but, and, also etc etc.  “But then Alice shows up” works just as well as “then Alice shows up” without the easily corrected grammatical error you hack writer!

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